there is a reason for every season...

***you have to listen to the song while reading this post...makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside***

so. i loooove christmas! i love the thanksgiving to new year holiday time where people pretend (very well i mite add) to give a fuck about other people. there's decorations and singing and lots of food...um, score, much? yes. but what i really love is that this is the only time of the year, usually, that i get to see all of my family and friends.

i don't really care about presents. i can get/buy things all year 'round. tho the little things definitely make me smile. a hand knitted hat and mittens set from a coworker, a tin bucket with my initial on it from my boss, a harry potter key chain from a friend...these things make me smile. but seeing family and friends that i don't see throughout the year is priceless.

the past 2 years, i spent the holidays without my little sister. i love her so much. but she was going through some things and stayed away from the family. it hurt. this year, she is back around and i'm in love with the idea that she, my mother, and i, will spend this holiday together. not to mention all my family coming to my gran's and my best friends being around for the holidays. love.

i wish these feelings lasted for more than a few months. i can do without all the holiday food, cuz all this exercise to stay in shape is killing me. but...the feeling. need that. but i'm realistic. i know that there's something about thanksgiving, christmas, new year's, singing, snow, and food that makes the heart warmer than it is in other months. i'll take it, enjoy it, love it.

peace + joy

you don't even know...

how geeked i am about seeing HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS in just a few hours...

like, i'm dumb excited.

this is hilarious.org!!!!!!!

#uncomfy

so. the #berries dubbed yesterday #TMT or "TOO MUCH TUESDAY" for a plethora of reasons. all crazy, confusing, and hilarious. i decided for my "too much" i would openly (on public forums) say whatever came to my mind (even moreso than i already do...lol). and a few things surprised me...

1) i openly (on twitter) wondered if one of my homie classmates (black dude) liked black girls. ---what? i was wrong for that???...hmph. whatever. if you guys knew all the details you would wonder too. anywho, he got super offended, low key went off on me. i was tickled, but i apologized to have offended him and told him it was just a random thought. he acknowledged my apology but NEVER answered the question.... #hmmmmm

2) i recently admitted to myself. maybe to some of my closest, closest friends that i have an appreciation and attraction for beautiful women. (well if i didn't before, i did just now *shrug*) no. i don't want to have sex with or be in a relationship with a woman. but whatev...is what it is...
i decided i would openly (on twitter) make comments about my attractions to certain females. i figured some guy would make some disgusting comment, or ppl would just pretend the comment was never made. but as the nite went on my timeline shocked me... everybody was super pansexual all of a sudden! i wasn't mad, i dug it. idk if my comment made the uncomfy a little more comfy, or if chicks just really dig amber rose and nick minaj. but my twit chicks were GOIN FOR IT! lol...i was proud. #allloveeverything

i think i'm gonna officially make a habit, on "too much tuesdays", of finding some new ways to make one person or group of peeps a little less comfy...

...don't think, just feel: "for colored girls"

...went to see "for colored girls" last night. honestly, for some reason i'm still slightly uneasy about it and don't know exactly what to think about it, or even if i should 'think' too much about it. but i know i feel a few ways, not just about the movie, but about reactions to it. i'll say what i can without spilling too much...

1. i was glad to see women "saving" women. especially in a tyler perry film. by saving i mean, assisting one another in realizing meaning and value of life and self.

2. phylicia rashaad is my she-ro #thatisall

3. i appreciate that tp "allowed" alot of really FUCKED UP issues to unfold on screen, in front of the audience. without this aspect, i doubt as many viewers would have taken the movie as seriously as possible.

4. it reminded me of "women of brewster place"...if you haven't seen it go. now. right now.

5. people are cracking me up. last night, someone on twitter said the movie "is DEF not for the simple minded"...*blank stare* WHAT?
a) you do NOT have to be a genius to understand what happens in the movie. all of the story lines are simple. "this happens, this is how she reacts, this is how those around her react". scene. this is not a negative thing either. it needed to be simple for people to have more room to feel, instead of busting brain cells trying to figure shit out.
b) instead of saying it's not for the "simple minded" i'll say its not for the faint of heart. its heavy.
c) most people are going to miss the points of the movie trying to be "deep" about it. just watch it. and FEEL...

6. men, come the fuck on. don't be afraid to see the film, or come out of the film under the assumption that "colored girls" has ANYTHING to do with "man hating or bashing". it is not always about y'all (crazy concept, right?). the presence of many women helping and loving themselves and one another does not imply the hatred of men. yes, some of the men in the film had less than desirable roles, but so did the women. and none of the men were single handedly blamed for the negative that occured aroung them (except one, which made perfect sense). a major part of the women's growth and development was taking responsibility for themselves and the consequences of their choices.

7. yo, please know that tp did not just get this awesome story (compilation of stories) out of thin air. it is a film adaptation of the 1975 play/choreopoem "for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf" by Ntozake Shange. k? k. so when they start reciting poety in the film DO NOT be surprised or confused. *mumbles* silly asses...

8. it was ALOT, but NOT UNTHINKABLE. people, wake the fuck up. THIS STUFF HAPPENS ALL THE TIME...all the time, sadly. granted, we are not accustomed to seeing all of the stories, in their fucked-up-ness, in our faces, on a big screen, with poetry and soundtrack attached to boost emotion. but if you are a black female and don't know at least one person that resembles one of the movie's characters, or don't identify with one yourself, CONGRATULATIONS. you've achieved something...forreal.

****how did you FEEL about "for colored girls"???****

oh blog...how i have neglected thee.

lots to say, alas, no energy to say it. *sigh* i'll just hit you guys with a cool pic of me from my alma mater homecoming. go KSTATE! and, um, go ME...lol

I'MMA HAVE TO...

SLAP ME A MUTHAFUCKA....

YO! WTF?!?!?!?! (green light, 2for1 edition)

*waves* what up peeps?! here's just some more of the shit that makes you (well, me) go #hmmmmmm

- *yelling* LOUISVILLE DRIVERS! when you go to driving school (assuming that you go to driving school...) do your instructors say: "now, when the stop light turns green DON'T automatically start driving, take some time, relax, and think about your next move. it may seem obvious to GO, but it's so much deeper than 'green means go'"

...HUH?! cause that's how yall mofos act...

-soulja boy. please. stop. #thatisall

-lmmfvo. my bestie/roomie got tackled in the club in atl.

<<---picture this guy tackling this girl --->>

...after i made sure she was ok. I.DIED.

but wtf was he thinking/doing?

-keri and ciara have albums dropping the same day. *bbm straight face* oh joy. i'll have to camp outside the store to snag a copy. they'll be flying off the shelves.

-why are ppl so down to defend their cell phones or criticize another person's phone? "i got a droid so i'm better than you" type shit. ugh. nah, bruh, your phone is kinda cool but you're still pretty lame. #baleedat ALL PHONES SUCK #bladdooww

-ew. what is happening to lil kim('s face)?

-dear mario, i remember, on your last album--no, wait, the one before last...whatever--you had a song called 'do right'. there was a little part about your ma in there. it was all beautiful and touching and shit. *sigh* bruh, what happened?

-->>>Although the incident was labelled "unfortunate" by Hassan Murphy III, the singer's lawyer, he also said the altercation was between a caring son and a mother who struggles with a serious drug addiction.

Murphy told CNN that Mario Barrett's mother Shawntia Hardaway continues "to struggle with a devastating addiction" and the alleged physical confrontation between the two revolved around her drug use.

"Anyone who has waged the battle to save loved ones from the forces of drugs knows the irrational behavior that almost always accompanies their actions," Murphy added.
(from cbs news)

******twitter edition******yay********

-whyyyy am i following you?
-why aren't you checking your spelling and grammar before you tweet?
-when did twitter become 'hoodrat chat'?
-why am i following him?
-how are ppl able to post these super sketch pics on twitter? #yuck
-what is with these ratchett ass TT's??? i.e. #thesehoesbe ?????really?????
-when did everyone get so "real"? *bbm confused face*
-why am i following her?
-is it really a good idea to share ALL of your DEEPEST thoughts and emotions with the tworld?
-heck, is it a good idea to share your EVERY WAKING MOMENT AND MOVE with the tworld?
-WHY AM I FOLLOWING YOU?
-who told you twitter made you cool? ha

(psa: many ppl were 'unfollowed' during the consideration of this post. hopefully none were harmed. if they were. who gives a fuck?)

okie dokie...i think thats it for this edition. just a little fuckery to lighten my recent blog mood. *hugs* you know what to do...gargle and spit or savor and swallow. but i offered!

oh yeah, please comment and share any thoughts on these, or other instances of fuckery!!!

ha!

girl: yeah...our honeymoon stage is definitely over

guy: huh? honeymoon stage?

girl: you know, when things are all warm and fuzzy and happy and shit...

guy: oh--over? why you say that?

girl: i mean, it just is...its not necessarily a bad thing tho...

guy: nah, its not over. we're just on a break from it right now.

girl: *side eye* riiiiigghhhtt...

cry.sis. (cont.)

*exhales deeply* so. my co-worker/classmate/friend is not here today. a couple weeks ago, she confessed to us in the office that an ex-boyfriend was harrassing her. sending texts, emails, and fb messages. messages like "we will be together" "i love you forever" and weird shit like, "i have the same initials as obama...isn't that cool?" (#weirdo). anywho, this particular day she was extra nervous. within 24 hours creep had sent over 35 messages to her email (she had blocked him on fb and changed her number). all the same type of creepy messages. but now back to back, aggressive, and more demanding. "give me ur new number". we were def nervous for her. he knows where she lives and seems crazy enough to pop up. i suggested filing a police report, just in case. that was 2 weeks ago. today, she called in. she's crying and hysterical. creep somehow got her number and is calling, texting, emailing her non-stop this morning. she's going to the police.

*exhales even deeper...fighting tears* last week my sister sent a text that read "i love you". this was only weird because i hadn't heard from her in weeks. at all. my mom told me something was going on with her but wouldn't tell me what it was until i came home to visit. "this isn't something you wanna hear over the phone" she said. but i pushed and proded. and regretted. i blew up my mom and sister's phones the day i got that text. i got the most horrible news i could imagine. my sister had been raped a few weeks earlier. my. heart. stopped. regardless of the shennanigans she had been a part of months prior, regardless of whatever she was doing now, she did not deserve this. she thinks its her fault. she's not sure how to deal with it. hell, neither am i.

when will it all just stop...???

yay

i finished my paper. i will not procrastinate like that again. signed, a first year grad student...

blank stare news

#BERRIES

i love these heaux...

no, really. the bond i have formed with these women is priceless. i love them for the great times and getting me through the less than great times...

this helps a little...*exhales*

cry.sis.

for the past few days i have been dealing with something...or, trying to deal with something. i have no idea what to do or say or how to feel. my emotions are scattered, therefore my actions may seem unpredictable. and, sadly, i don't know when this phase will subside. i can't watch certain things on tv anymore. i feel weird about feeling ok. so i go back into sulking only to feel weird about not being ok. "they" always teach you how to (attempt to) deal with trauma in your life, but they never really say anything about dealing with trauma in the life of someone you love very much. (if that's even something you can teach.) so here i am, hurt and confused. and it wasn't even me. maybe i wish it was. heavy. i haven't spoken to my friends about it. i suppose i don't know how. maybe i do know how, but i'm afraid of their reactions, or lack thereof. besides, they haven't asked me why i've been so quiet or distant. so why bother anyway. i wonder when i'll feel normal again. maybe not until she feels normal. not that you can ever feel "normal" after something like this. but perhaps you can. i'm sure it just takes time. and alot of tears.

hope for peace

this is not really about the iPhone for me...ok, everyone?

but i agree with her sentiment about social interaction...it is rapidly declining and that is not cool

oh, yeah...#whippage

congrats to little miss willow on her hair whippage and roc signage...YOU GO GIRL!!!

here's the new joint...
i'm doin the "puffy" to it fa sho ===>>> http://www.willowsmith.com

...maybe nola had it right...

so. boys are---ummm--confused, to say the least. they rarely know what they want and even if they pretend to know what they want they seem to be afraid to reach out and grab it. when it comes to women, that is. i mean, yeah, the shallow, surface shit comes easy to them. "she looks good" "she got a fat ass" or whatever obvious attraction they find in a female allows them to run a little game and make a few broken promises, but what about the long run? not too many ready for that race, i see. granted, i'm only in my 20s and i won't pretend that i'm ready to get married or anything. but dammit...time is surely tickin away. a serious, exclusive, monogamous, committed relationship is definitely an option. maybe...

well, it was an option. especially with that "one" guy who seemed to be a perfect match. so perfect that not rushing seemed like a great idea. and getting to know one another for---well, it seems like forever, was quite do-able. but after a little of this and a little of that (#oohyallnosey)i'm really wondering...should i really be anxious to settle down?

i recently watched for the first time (and forgive me for i have sinned) spike's "she's gotta have it". and after careful consideration *insert giggle* i'm feeling like maybe nola had a good idea. like nola, i realize i'm totally down for having real-life, pseudo relationships with more than one person. "dating" sucks. most times...but with the mindset that there's not just "one" it becomes an enticing game to play. now, i hope not to be playing this "game" forever, but for now it will have to do.

my theory is, until i can find the "one" who possesses most of the qualities i would love to see in my companion (or something really effin close)(or someone who is working toward that type of potential) i won't have just ONE. right now its like a huge puzzle...but no guy is presenting all the pieces. not that i mite be a full puzzle for someone else either. so why not take a piece from each puzzle? a piece that fits perfectly into a different part of my puzzle. yeah....that's what i'll do...for now at least.

*How do you feel about the "dating""game"?
*Is there really the ONE person for everyone? and will we find them?

FUCK YOU! (lol)

had to post this....cee-lo is soooo dope

YO! ...WTF?!?!?!

hey peeps! here we are again...with some things that make you go #hmmmmmmmmm.

-t.i. and tiny...tiny and t.i.---t---you know what, i quit. i. quit.
#drugbirds

-WHO makes conscious decisions to even glance at katt stacks? *shudders* she's not even attractive. and "yall" out here smashin this heaux...smh. she is quite---ugh. (refuse to post a pic)

-(in response to my previous ^^^ question) i guess crackheads don't mind miss-stak(e)s *shrug* way to go "pretty boy" *insert corny "soldier" echo*

-soooo...blackberry battery life is pretty much non-existent---yep (still love mine tho)

-why is it taking me a week to get this fuckin tv mounted on the wall? sheeeesh #diyflow

-why are some of "us" condemning fan-fan for her, um, indescretions but letting keys off for the SAME grimy shit? #thinkaboutit

-men/boys love to feel needed but you can't "need" them past a certain point or they (a) flake out on you or (b) flake out on you

-what thee fuck was that non-refundable (apartment) "deposit" for bitch?

-when will the #berries get our shit together and complete another vlog entry? #hmmmm

-when does one know when to say when?

-will my dog REALLY be the most reliable male in my life forever? *sigh* sure hope not

-why do ppl from louisville (ky) insist on leaving the "th" off of words where it is necessary to use the "th"? (for example: 'like this' becomes LIKE'IS, and 'like that' becomes LIKE'AT 0_o)

-this "lottery ticket" movie............ really? forreal? like---can---why---yo, somebody just let me know what "that be like" if you see it *bbm uninterested face*


-dear bp: is that oil all cleaned up yet *checks watch*

-dear mr. president sir: we still got troops in iraq eh? *checks watch again while shaking head*

-how did we let this antoine dodson "phenomenon" get this big...smh...

-whyyyyyy would you wait until AFTER school starts to figure out how you're gonna PAY FOR IT dumbasses? (--->>> www.fafsa.gov <<<---)

-WHO LET THE DOGS OUT?!?!?! #randomness

-sooo, about these "blue people" in appalachia, ky...yeah, um, ew. #inbreedingisnotokay

well...think that's all for now. once again, you can chew it up or spit it out. i'm just cookin it up for ya. PeaceLove

word....???

Dizzam...thats alot of hair!

Grad School...

...it's heavy, baby...maybe i'll elaborate after my first week is officially over. if i have time...*sigh* #bouttarockthisshit

heaux...and NO you can't use this spelling of the word "hoe" without BERRY authorization BITCH

so, the word "hoe" (or heaux, lol) was recently added to the dictionary...??? cool. for years, i guess, there has been an ongoing debate about what makes someone a heaux. although its usually used in reference to one's sexual promiscuity, now i just use it in reference to ppl i dont really care for. *shrug* i just sounds madd disrespectful don't it? idk...but here's what some experts had to say...

diggin it...

i haven't blogged in a grip. i've decided that i'll do it more often, but it shall be outrageously random. i've been too serious for too long...*exhales* so, this is just some shit i'm into right now:

*grad school
*drake's "thank me later" album, although i'm not really a drake fan, this joint is kinda addictive
*strip clubs...for pure entertainment
*hanging out with my Ma
*home decor...just cuz we're moving soon
*angela yee (#seriousgirlcrush)
*"stallions"=tall, athletically built, black men with friendship and "trique" potentional *shrug*
*my BERRY sistas...and all of our shennanigans (hehehe)
*"heaux" and everything it entails
*deciding whether or not i want a REAL LIFE RELATIONSHIP *insert suspenseful music*
*married to the mob clothing line

what is everyone else up to?

wayyyy, wayyy too much

having more than one "boyfriend" is alot of work...that's all...

YO!!! WTF?!?!

***this is the first of many installments which will just pose questions that i've recently asked myself or others...mind boggling shit...lol

• is it possible to hate nicki minaj but love onika maraj??? i think i do...(hate barbie, love baby kim--hate the rapper, love the singer)

• whyyyy do black guys in ky like fat white chicks? like, ok...you dig white girls...but fat, sloppy ones tho? *shudders*

• is my one co-worker a crackhead?
  
• sooo...the na'vi (race in avatar) are this bad ass group of blue, tiger, alien beings but they can't unite and declare their independence without the white boy? #hollywoodshit




• how many states will follow in arizona's footsteps (regarding race relations/policies)? and how soon?

• which is better: PANDORA or XM radio?

• is my other co-worker a Ra-Tard?

• at what stage in a relationship is it ok to swallow??? (#tmi)

• what if dj khaled is really jon b??? (i stole this but its classic...)

• will i ever go back to facebook?

• what is the j.cole hype about? he's cool, but i've heard much better #dontgetit #sorry

• at what point did females begin this quest to be referred to as some plastic white bitch? (excuse me, didn't mean to step on your toes girl in club...)

• now that my tweets are archived, will i think before i tweet? (prob not)

• why do most black girls hate each other?

• when is it ok to profess your love for someone?

• if my puppy could talk, WTF would he say?

• were brittany murphy and her husband so outrageously doped up in the past that they caused their own deaths?

• will this CND shellac polish really stay chip free for 14 days?

***just some food for thought...chew it up or spit it out...i'm just here to cook it, yo!

PeaceLove

to do list: summer edition

(in no order of importance...shit i would love to accomplish for the summer season!)

• initiate, commit to, and carry out a WORKOUT PLAN (i want my abs back yo)



• healthier dieting (more fruits and veggies)



• blog more often (BLAK_BERRY FILES coming soon! #geeked)



• concoct some dope-a-licious home decor ideas



• cook dinner 1-2 times a week (phase out fast food slowly and completely)



• read some good black fiction (any recommendations???)



• get a new laptop... (its a wrap on the old one, sadly)



• GET ANOTHER TATTOO DAMMIT



• see ERYKAH in concert...and maybe Maxwell again...mmmhmmm



• start a credit union savings account (that is not to be fucked with...)



• start a new poetry journal, get back to writing, hit up some poetry spots ...maybe share some of my pieces???



• do 2-3 photo shoots, including my idea for the NO RESTRICTIONS shoot...(#juicy)



• spend a whole day with my Goddaughter Audi...alone...ahhh...(scary...lol)



• prepare for grad school

***most people create a list of "resolutions" at the beginning of each year. not only do they barely carry out their plans, they don't even remember their plans...#sad. i'm gonna make a "to do list" for each season...let's see how this goes. i'm optimistic tho...

WHAT'S ON YOUR LIST FOR THIS SUMMER HUH?

Fasting...Friends..Favor...

so...a group of my most awesom-est friends and i have decided to fast for 30 days. #goodshit (i really need to "fast cursing" but ah, welp) anyway, we are all fasting different things for different reasons with the common goal of cultivating spiritual growth. not only do i feel that this is bringing myself and others closer to God (or whomever each individual believes in), but it is also bringing us closer to each other. #goodshitagain

we encourage and lift up one another daily...i think this has also allowed us to encourage and lift up others in our day to day lives. i've found myself connecting, conversing, and bonding with more and more people from all kinds of backgrounds and thats a great feeling. for a large portion of my life, i had a very "select" group of friends that i actually would call friends. (i had alot of skepticism, materialism, and emotional walls up against people in general.) but now i feel myself more able to branch out, connect with, and form friendships with many people. that's a good feeling. #ILOVEMYFRIENDS

before...in the midst of...and, i'm sure, after this fast, i've seen (will see) my friends (and myself) being so blessed. (jobs, money, opportunities) i attribute it all to God of course, but i also know that he sends his blessings for reasons. we are favored by Him! we must be doing something right! we gotta keep it up...

#scripture Mark 3:5>>> Jesus said to the man with the shriveled hand, "Stand up in front of everyone. He said to him, "Stretch out your hand!" And he did so; and his hand was restored.

#prayer Lord, allow me to stand up and stretch out my hand...already believing that you will heal, bless, and comfort me...because You are God, and I am Favored...

#formyfriends
Ciara, Aris, Sean, Joe, Jahshae, Marc, Mike, Ash R., Ash B.,Whitney, Jessica, Martha, Kendra, Beth, Fatima (whomever i omitted, charge it to my head and not my heart...lol)

PeaceLoveBlessings

*smart ass!: happy black girl day, pt 2*

HAPPY BLACK GIRL DAY!!! this post is dedicated to all my educated black girls!!! i am proud to say that i have recently been accepted to a master's program which i will be starting in the fall...*heeeyyyyy* yet and still i am even more proud of my sista's Ciara Monae (lol), Aris, and Ash B., who will be graduating from master's programs and my sista's Whit and Yotta, who will be graduating from undergrad (fellow KSTATE future alum) in LESS THAN A MONTH! not to mention my countless sis's (Ash Domonique, Nellz, Zuri, Mook, AJ...to name a few) who are currently in grad programs across the country!!!

we are a few of a few who have had the opportunity, ambition, drive, and perseverance to better ourselves through education...and more education, and have found ourselves and the greatness of our "black girlness" along the way. now, i won't lie, i'm sure we've all also experienced the trials of being a black girl (especially a smart one) but we haven't let that hold or slow us down. Ci and i recently came to the conclusion the other nite that, to be black and a woman, you are taught and expected to be dammm near perfect. well, when i look at my sista's i can say that in the eyes of perfection, i think we look pretty dammm awesome! even more so, because we all have goals and dreams of sprinkling our perfection on the world...especially the black world...especially the black girl world! i just hope more black girls jump on this bandwagon...its one of the best ones to be on and will take you to the greatest places.

so, to all my educated black girls, and those that aspire to be educated, every 2nd wednesday of the month, wake up in the morning, have a revelation or two, then look in the mirror and say: "i am a smart ass, strong ass, fine ass black girl yo"...yep!

peace and love

*happy to be nappy: happy black girl day pt.1*

i just found out that today (and every 2nd wednesday of each month) is officially "HAPPY BLACK GIRL DAY"!!! #geeked. and my first HBGD post is dedicated to all my natural sis's around! (i'm not discriminating...just showing favoritism*sticks tongue out*)

this past saturday, i participated in a natural hair photo shoot. it was orchestrated by my homegirl Zuri J. (brilliant mind, by the way) who told us (and i'll paraphrase, with my own words...lol) she "wanted to see something 'different' and that most hair mags just glorify relaxed hair and weaves. she wanted to see a beautiful collage of black girls in our true essence, NAPPY!"

i totally agreed...and looked around at the girls who were also in the shoot proudly, because of the fact that we all embraced our nappiness, our naturalness. i think loving and embracing EVERYTHING about yourself is the first step to changing the world (yes, the world) ***see previous post about hair and soul connection*** once a girl can fully love herself we can also encourage others to do the same. and i've been looking around, and not that everyone doesn't need it but, black girls DEFINITELY need that self love... but it starts with 1...you...so every 2nd wednesday of the month black girl, wake up in the morning, let your hair down, run your fingers through those naps and say: i am a beautiful, happy black girl...happy to be nappy...happy to be me...

peace and love

stepping stones may break my bones... (transistions, pt. 1)

intro

...sometimes transistion can be kinda rough. wait! transistion can be killer yo! and in the midst of transistion all you can do is prepare for the worst, pray for the best, and hope you make it through to see....something. transistion periods can break or make a person. one can totally lose or begin to find themself. the idea of it is, i feel, unappealing. but the experience of it can be enriching, encouraging, and enlightening...especially if you have goals and can see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.

what fascinates me most about my current transistion is how many different aspects of my life it has affected. from love to spirituality, to sexuality, to hair--ality (lol). this "in-between" time has allowed me to begin* to shape my views on life's ways and wonders.
*i use the term begin because, hey, i'm only 23 years old, and i'm sure i will continue to grow, learn, and change with age (tho maybe not drastically).

pt 1: "i am not my hair, it for dammm sure is me tho..."
in the past few years, i've had at least a zillion hair styles. like, forreal... if you know me well, it is not a shock for me to have a totally different hairstyle EVERYTIME you see me! it was an ongoing joke during my undergrad years, but i lived for the element of change. i've been relaxed, NOW ALL NATURAL (YESSSSS!), blonde, black, curly, straight, rinsed red, blue, purple, long, bobbed, short, super short, fro'd :-), twisted, micro'd, sewed in, wigged out, braided back, and almost anything else you can think of.

my hair often reflects my mood. if i have a hat on, i'm tired as hell, or don't give a fuck. if its all done up, i'm feeling good, tryin to be cute (lol), or whatev. but all in all, i changed my hair like i changed my underwear--maybe more! but lately i've rolled with the same few hairstyles as i begin to settle down. see...now that i think about it, i could probably equate my hair with my mental stability. (craaaaazy right?). i mean, i like art, and hair styling is an artistic expression of emotion for me. however, my constant 'do changes were a outward show of an inward soul search. #keepinitreal the ability to look different, seem different, or even be a different person was appealing to me. not because i didn't love myself, but because i was trying to decide which self to love. NO. i am not bi-polar or schitzo (no dis to anyone that may be) but i had begun to realize that i didn't like the person i was and had to figure out how to be a person i could like, love, and live with. i've made gigantice steps in that journey! (fist pump to progression).

i think my decision to go natural (exactly 2 years ago :-D) was my first physical example of finding ME. recently, i've decided to lock my hair. (wowzers!) i haven't done it yet, and i must admit, i am preparing myself for this drastic, permanent decision. but i'm not afraid and quite at peace about the decision. NO. this does not mean i now know everything i am and have figured out all i need to know about my life and this world. HELL NO. but i am ready for a sense of stability. (tho, please believe i'll be styling my locs) but i'm ready to jump into this thing i cannot jim out of with my secret roll dog, my silent ace, my inanimate yet expressive partner in crime...my hair

fresher than a baby's bottom...

****ok, this is kinda out of whack. got a new blogspot instead of postin on my old one...i like this one better (shrug) so here's my intro post one mo'gain...lol****

so...i quit procrastinating and started my blog (go me!). work is slow...so, i found space and opportunity. i hope my future posts are everything you all dream of...anywho...i'll introduce myself and explain all this "tenasity/tenacious" stuff i love so much.

from dictionary.com:te-na-cious (tuh-ney-shuhs)
1.holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold
2. highly retentive
3. pertinacious, persistent, stubborn, or obstinate
4. adhesive or sticky (....giggles)
5. holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; TOUGH

...there it is...that's me, tough. i've been through alot, but with a great God, a great Mom, and great friends...i've made it. and i've got alot of shit to say...so stay tuned homies!peace

you still scared? i'd be scared too...

so, i'm dedicating my first real post to thee most powerful, frightening, awesome, crazy thing in the whole universe. (...universe? yep, i said it...) ...LOVE. i mean serious, real live, fistful of tears, type love. not that love always makes you cray for negative reasons. sometimes its so good or overwhelming you can't help but tear up. (ms. emotional over here) lately, well for me, almost always, i've been trying to understand this thing. and i tell you, what a headache it has gotten me. after things i've been thru, i'm almost coming to the conclusion that love is not meant to be understood, just felt, given, received.

"puppy love/God=doG"
one 'person' who has taught me alot about love has been my dog, chaz. the fact that we can't communicate with words makes our relationship hard work, interesting, sometimes frustrating, always awe-inspiring. he always looks at me like i'm thee only person who exists in this world. even after i scold or whoop his ass, he comes right back for affection as if to say...i still love you nina. if i leave, whether it be for a month (me and mommy have joint custody), a week, or 2 secs, he's excited to see me when i come back! like, heart attack excited! lol. and everytime i look at him i think about God. first about how he could create something so awesome. second i think that maybe this is how a person's relationship should be with Him. His love for us is unconditional even when we 'eff' up...our love for him should be apparent and devoted. good lesson chazzy pooh...

"a family affair"
my family has thought me a flipside of love lately too. for some reason, as you get older, sh*t gets wayyyy to real. (sometimes i sit and wish i was a kid again) my little sister, who used to be my best friend, went crazy and blows off our family anytime a new "significant other" seems to become more necessary. found out my youngest aunt is crazy and uses family members, lies, cheats, steals, tricks (yep), and treats her kids like crap because she loves herself more than anyone else...or maybe she doesn't love anyone. (???) then my gran (God bless her) been crazy and expects each member of our family who is younger than her ...all of us... to bow to her every whim. (i mean i respect my elders but daammmmm) i mean sometimes the demands are ridiculous. and she gets mean if you dont do what she wants...its like we owe her cuz we love her huh (?????) ...with all that said, i have gained an eerie dislike for some of my family. but i will never stop loving them ----but does that make sense? is that possible?

"life partners"
over the past years, i've gained the greatest friends ever. no. they are not perfect and sometimes make me think "WTF" but they are thee greatest friends. real talk. they've become my sisters and my support, and my slaps in the face when i lose it. (which is more often than i'd like but hey). the bond that we've created blows me away sometimes. i value their friendship at times over blood family. and i'm afraid i've acquired an awkward separation anxiety issue. (the first step is admitting you have a problem...lol) in undergrad, we had this joke that we're all "life partners" (no, we're not really lesbians guys...i saw some of you wondering). but at times, i wonder if i really could tackle life without them around. i tried it once. did a stint in the hospital, no lie. i can't say that was directly the cause, but oddly, (aside from serious hangovers...lol) i havent been sick NOT ONCE since i've moved back where they are...what does that mean for my future?

"my funny valentine"
i recently celebrated my 2nd valentines day in tenasity history...yep, only had 2. meaning i had someone to call valentine, baby, boo...actually got gifts, went out...all'a that. and this guy has got my heart doin backflips. i won't say that i'm in love. because i don't think i'm there......yet. but i know i like him alot. and i'm sure that falling in love with him is forecast in my future. but i don't know how to feel about that. we're dating, we connect, we're def feeling each other. but we're moving slow on the "officials". which for both of us is a first, and a good thing. (interjection: PPL, PLEASE DATE MORE OFTEN...MONOGAMOUSLY YES (or whatever), BUT DATE...GET TO KNOW A MUTHAFUCK*A...#thatisall). anywho, the falling for me is not a horrible, downward spiral. but it is like a rollercoaster ride. ups and downs, backwards, forwards. sometimes i wanna open my eyes to see whats next and sometimes i close them and just feel. this is one of the first times i have let myself lose complete control of a situation. i don't even want it to be mine to control, honestly. i wanna have faith, and patience (sh*t i'm really not used to forreal) and wait til i get the end of the ride to determine if its worth it. but i can't lie y'all...I'M SCARED AS SH*T

"what can be higher than this?/best for last"
my mommy. mannnn, if she hasn't shown me what love is and is about i haven't been watchin'. i have seen ppl verbally, physically, and mentally abuse her and her strength has not let her fall, and her faith has not let her hate. i won't put all her business out...cause she hates this internet sh*t...lol. but she's been pushed and kicked by ppl in her life and still been thee most DOWN woman in their life. she's taught me that giving love to others not only helps them, but in this weird, sordid way it helps you too. not too long, she was down and out...down bad. now she's up for a new job, on her way back to school, excpecting some awesome settlement paymets (get money!) and all because she chose to walk down the right path...it included love in the midst of hate and frustration. sometimes i even questioned her...i would ask her why she didnt give up, or hate, or just not care...she couldn't always verbalize the answer, but now i see...when i grow up (lol) i want to be JUST LIKE HER

...even when i'm afraid to love, or love seems illogical, or i dislike (what/whomever it may be)...i gotta take the chance