intro
...sometimes transistion can be kinda rough. wait! transistion can be killer yo! and in the midst of transistion all you can do is prepare for the worst, pray for the best, and hope you make it through to see....something. transistion periods can break or make a person. one can totally lose or begin to find themself. the idea of it is, i feel, unappealing. but the experience of it can be enriching, encouraging, and enlightening...especially if you have goals and can see the light at the end of the proverbial tunnel.
what fascinates me most about my current transistion is how many different aspects of my life it has affected. from love to spirituality, to sexuality, to hair--ality (lol). this "in-between" time has allowed me to begin* to shape my views on life's ways and wonders.
*i use the term begin because, hey, i'm only 23 years old, and i'm sure i will continue to grow, learn, and change with age (tho maybe not drastically).
pt 1: "i am not my hair, it for dammm sure is me tho..."
in the past few years, i've had at least a zillion hair styles. like, forreal... if you know me well, it is not a shock for me to have a totally different hairstyle EVERYTIME you see me! it was an ongoing joke during my undergrad years, but i lived for the element of change. i've been relaxed, NOW ALL NATURAL (YESSSSS!), blonde, black, curly, straight, rinsed red, blue, purple, long, bobbed, short, super short, fro'd :-), twisted, micro'd, sewed in, wigged out, braided back, and almost anything else you can think of.
my hair often reflects my mood. if i have a hat on, i'm tired as hell, or don't give a fuck. if its all done up, i'm feeling good, tryin to be cute (lol), or whatev. but all in all, i changed my hair like i changed my underwear--maybe more! but lately i've rolled with the same few hairstyles as i begin to settle down. see...now that i think about it, i could probably equate my hair with my mental stability. (craaaaazy right?). i mean, i like art, and hair styling is an artistic expression of emotion for me. however, my constant 'do changes were a outward show of an inward soul search. #keepinitreal the ability to look different, seem different, or even be a different person was appealing to me. not because i didn't love myself, but because i was trying to decide which self to love. NO. i am not bi-polar or schitzo (no dis to anyone that may be) but i had begun to realize that i didn't like the person i was and had to figure out how to be a person i could like, love, and live with. i've made gigantice steps in that journey! (fist pump to progression).
i think my decision to go natural (exactly 2 years ago :-D) was my first physical example of finding ME. recently, i've decided to lock my hair. (wowzers!) i haven't done it yet, and i must admit, i am preparing myself for this drastic, permanent decision. but i'm not afraid and quite at peace about the decision. NO. this does not mean i now know everything i am and have figured out all i need to know about my life and this world. HELL NO. but i am ready for a sense of stability. (tho, please believe i'll be styling my locs) but i'm ready to jump into this thing i cannot jim out of with my secret roll dog, my silent ace, my inanimate yet expressive partner in crime...my hair
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
fresher than a baby's bottom...
****ok, this is kinda out of whack. got a new blogspot instead of postin on my old one...i like this one better (shrug) so here's my intro post one mo'gain...lol****
so...i quit procrastinating and started my blog (go me!). work is slow...so, i found space and opportunity. i hope my future posts are everything you all dream of...anywho...i'll introduce myself and explain all this "tenasity/tenacious" stuff i love so much.
from dictionary.com:te-na-cious (tuh-ney-shuhs)
1.holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold
2. highly retentive
3. pertinacious, persistent, stubborn, or obstinate
4. adhesive or sticky (....giggles)
5. holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; TOUGH
...there it is...that's me, tough. i've been through alot, but with a great God, a great Mom, and great friends...i've made it. and i've got alot of shit to say...so stay tuned homies!peace
so...i quit procrastinating and started my blog (go me!). work is slow...so, i found space and opportunity. i hope my future posts are everything you all dream of...anywho...i'll introduce myself and explain all this "tenasity/tenacious" stuff i love so much.
from dictionary.com:te-na-cious (tuh-ney-shuhs)
1.holding fast; characterized by keeping a firm hold
2. highly retentive
3. pertinacious, persistent, stubborn, or obstinate
4. adhesive or sticky (....giggles)
5. holding together; cohesive; not easily pulled asunder; TOUGH
...there it is...that's me, tough. i've been through alot, but with a great God, a great Mom, and great friends...i've made it. and i've got alot of shit to say...so stay tuned homies!peace
you still scared? i'd be scared too...
so, i'm dedicating my first real post to thee most powerful, frightening, awesome, crazy thing in the whole universe. (...universe? yep, i said it...) ...LOVE. i mean serious, real live, fistful of tears, type love. not that love always makes you cray for negative reasons. sometimes its so good or overwhelming you can't help but tear up. (ms. emotional over here) lately, well for me, almost always, i've been trying to understand this thing. and i tell you, what a headache it has gotten me. after things i've been thru, i'm almost coming to the conclusion that love is not meant to be understood, just felt, given, received.
"puppy love/God=doG"
one 'person' who has taught me alot about love has been my dog, chaz. the fact that we can't communicate with words makes our relationship hard work, interesting, sometimes frustrating, always awe-inspiring. he always looks at me like i'm thee only person who exists in this world. even after i scold or whoop his ass, he comes right back for affection as if to say...i still love you nina. if i leave, whether it be for a month (me and mommy have joint custody), a week, or 2 secs, he's excited to see me when i come back! like, heart attack excited! lol. and everytime i look at him i think about God. first about how he could create something so awesome. second i think that maybe this is how a person's relationship should be with Him. His love for us is unconditional even when we 'eff' up...our love for him should be apparent and devoted. good lesson chazzy pooh...
"a family affair"
my family has thought me a flipside of love lately too. for some reason, as you get older, sh*t gets wayyyy to real. (sometimes i sit and wish i was a kid again) my little sister, who used to be my best friend, went crazy and blows off our family anytime a new "significant other" seems to become more necessary. found out my youngest aunt is crazy and uses family members, lies, cheats, steals, tricks (yep), and treats her kids like crap because she loves herself more than anyone else...or maybe she doesn't love anyone. (???) then my gran (God bless her) been crazy and expects each member of our family who is younger than her ...all of us... to bow to her every whim. (i mean i respect my elders but daammmmm) i mean sometimes the demands are ridiculous. and she gets mean if you dont do what she wants...its like we owe her cuz we love her huh (?????) ...with all that said, i have gained an eerie dislike for some of my family. but i will never stop loving them ----but does that make sense? is that possible?
"life partners"
over the past years, i've gained the greatest friends ever. no. they are not perfect and sometimes make me think "WTF" but they are thee greatest friends. real talk. they've become my sisters and my support, and my slaps in the face when i lose it. (which is more often than i'd like but hey). the bond that we've created blows me away sometimes. i value their friendship at times over blood family. and i'm afraid i've acquired an awkward separation anxiety issue. (the first step is admitting you have a problem...lol) in undergrad, we had this joke that we're all "life partners" (no, we're not really lesbians guys...i saw some of you wondering). but at times, i wonder if i really could tackle life without them around. i tried it once. did a stint in the hospital, no lie. i can't say that was directly the cause, but oddly, (aside from serious hangovers...lol) i havent been sick NOT ONCE since i've moved back where they are...what does that mean for my future?
"my funny valentine"
i recently celebrated my 2nd valentines day in tenasity history...yep, only had 2. meaning i had someone to call valentine, baby, boo...actually got gifts, went out...all'a that. and this guy has got my heart doin backflips. i won't say that i'm in love. because i don't think i'm there......yet. but i know i like him alot. and i'm sure that falling in love with him is forecast in my future. but i don't know how to feel about that. we're dating, we connect, we're def feeling each other. but we're moving slow on the "officials". which for both of us is a first, and a good thing. (interjection: PPL, PLEASE DATE MORE OFTEN...MONOGAMOUSLY YES (or whatever), BUT DATE...GET TO KNOW A MUTHAFUCK*A...#thatisall). anywho, the falling for me is not a horrible, downward spiral. but it is like a rollercoaster ride. ups and downs, backwards, forwards. sometimes i wanna open my eyes to see whats next and sometimes i close them and just feel. this is one of the first times i have let myself lose complete control of a situation. i don't even want it to be mine to control, honestly. i wanna have faith, and patience (sh*t i'm really not used to forreal) and wait til i get the end of the ride to determine if its worth it. but i can't lie y'all...I'M SCARED AS SH*T
"what can be higher than this?/best for last"
my mommy. mannnn, if she hasn't shown me what love is and is about i haven't been watchin'. i have seen ppl verbally, physically, and mentally abuse her and her strength has not let her fall, and her faith has not let her hate. i won't put all her business out...cause she hates this internet sh*t...lol. but she's been pushed and kicked by ppl in her life and still been thee most DOWN woman in their life. she's taught me that giving love to others not only helps them, but in this weird, sordid way it helps you too. not too long, she was down and out...down bad. now she's up for a new job, on her way back to school, excpecting some awesome settlement paymets (get money!) and all because she chose to walk down the right path...it included love in the midst of hate and frustration. sometimes i even questioned her...i would ask her why she didnt give up, or hate, or just not care...she couldn't always verbalize the answer, but now i see...when i grow up (lol) i want to be JUST LIKE HER
...even when i'm afraid to love, or love seems illogical, or i dislike (what/whomever it may be)...i gotta take the chance
"puppy love/God=doG"
one 'person' who has taught me alot about love has been my dog, chaz. the fact that we can't communicate with words makes our relationship hard work, interesting, sometimes frustrating, always awe-inspiring. he always looks at me like i'm thee only person who exists in this world. even after i scold or whoop his ass, he comes right back for affection as if to say...i still love you nina. if i leave, whether it be for a month (me and mommy have joint custody), a week, or 2 secs, he's excited to see me when i come back! like, heart attack excited! lol. and everytime i look at him i think about God. first about how he could create something so awesome. second i think that maybe this is how a person's relationship should be with Him. His love for us is unconditional even when we 'eff' up...our love for him should be apparent and devoted. good lesson chazzy pooh...
"a family affair"
my family has thought me a flipside of love lately too. for some reason, as you get older, sh*t gets wayyyy to real. (sometimes i sit and wish i was a kid again) my little sister, who used to be my best friend, went crazy and blows off our family anytime a new "significant other" seems to become more necessary. found out my youngest aunt is crazy and uses family members, lies, cheats, steals, tricks (yep), and treats her kids like crap because she loves herself more than anyone else...or maybe she doesn't love anyone. (???) then my gran (God bless her) been crazy and expects each member of our family who is younger than her ...all of us... to bow to her every whim. (i mean i respect my elders but daammmmm) i mean sometimes the demands are ridiculous. and she gets mean if you dont do what she wants...its like we owe her cuz we love her huh (?????) ...with all that said, i have gained an eerie dislike for some of my family. but i will never stop loving them ----but does that make sense? is that possible?
"life partners"
over the past years, i've gained the greatest friends ever. no. they are not perfect and sometimes make me think "WTF" but they are thee greatest friends. real talk. they've become my sisters and my support, and my slaps in the face when i lose it. (which is more often than i'd like but hey). the bond that we've created blows me away sometimes. i value their friendship at times over blood family. and i'm afraid i've acquired an awkward separation anxiety issue. (the first step is admitting you have a problem...lol) in undergrad, we had this joke that we're all "life partners" (no, we're not really lesbians guys...i saw some of you wondering). but at times, i wonder if i really could tackle life without them around. i tried it once. did a stint in the hospital, no lie. i can't say that was directly the cause, but oddly, (aside from serious hangovers...lol) i havent been sick NOT ONCE since i've moved back where they are...what does that mean for my future?
"my funny valentine"
i recently celebrated my 2nd valentines day in tenasity history...yep, only had 2. meaning i had someone to call valentine, baby, boo...actually got gifts, went out...all'a that. and this guy has got my heart doin backflips. i won't say that i'm in love. because i don't think i'm there......yet. but i know i like him alot. and i'm sure that falling in love with him is forecast in my future. but i don't know how to feel about that. we're dating, we connect, we're def feeling each other. but we're moving slow on the "officials". which for both of us is a first, and a good thing. (interjection: PPL, PLEASE DATE MORE OFTEN...MONOGAMOUSLY YES (or whatever), BUT DATE...GET TO KNOW A MUTHAFUCK*A...#thatisall). anywho, the falling for me is not a horrible, downward spiral. but it is like a rollercoaster ride. ups and downs, backwards, forwards. sometimes i wanna open my eyes to see whats next and sometimes i close them and just feel. this is one of the first times i have let myself lose complete control of a situation. i don't even want it to be mine to control, honestly. i wanna have faith, and patience (sh*t i'm really not used to forreal) and wait til i get the end of the ride to determine if its worth it. but i can't lie y'all...I'M SCARED AS SH*T
"what can be higher than this?/best for last"
my mommy. mannnn, if she hasn't shown me what love is and is about i haven't been watchin'. i have seen ppl verbally, physically, and mentally abuse her and her strength has not let her fall, and her faith has not let her hate. i won't put all her business out...cause she hates this internet sh*t...lol. but she's been pushed and kicked by ppl in her life and still been thee most DOWN woman in their life. she's taught me that giving love to others not only helps them, but in this weird, sordid way it helps you too. not too long, she was down and out...down bad. now she's up for a new job, on her way back to school, excpecting some awesome settlement paymets (get money!) and all because she chose to walk down the right path...it included love in the midst of hate and frustration. sometimes i even questioned her...i would ask her why she didnt give up, or hate, or just not care...she couldn't always verbalize the answer, but now i see...when i grow up (lol) i want to be JUST LIKE HER
...even when i'm afraid to love, or love seems illogical, or i dislike (what/whomever it may be)...i gotta take the chance
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