i'm back.

dear blogspot,

i'm sorry i've been gone so long. i can't really explain why, but so much has been going on in my life there may have been a subconscious fear to actually write about it all. don't worry, i'm not gonna write about it all now. its wayyyy too much, believe me. but i wanna tell you about some of the lessons i've learned recently. ready? ok.

first of all. new year. i omit the "happy" cuz this year didn't start off too joyful for me. my grandfather passed early january and it kinda whirled my fam in life's blender. i won't get into details...but the lesson: you can't choose who's blood, but you can choose whom to love. my ma had a convo with her baby sis about "making your own 'family' outside of your family". i love the family i've been able to create for myself. they are my love and my support system. these people are my best friends.

love. yo, loving someone and liking someone are two different ball games. i have seen these concepts played out over and over in my relationships and those of people around me. i would never have imagined how tough all of this is to wrangle. i just hope for the best for me and those around me. through all of this though, i am aware that i want a monogamous, committed relationship with someone i love, and LIKE.

living. my roomie/best friend/life partner (lolz) is moving. this will be the first time in 4 years (7 if you count years we weren't roomie's but lived in close proximity at kstate), that i won't have her (or any of my best friends) close enough to run to, cry on, laugh with, cry with, gossip to, get gossip from, study with, etc. face to face. this. scares. me. shitless.

learning. grad school got hard yo *wipes sweat from forehead*. this semester i have class, assistantship, internship. whoa. i'm runnin around crazy but after the initial shock of it all i realize that i love what i do (student affairs/development) and am more than excited for what the future holds for me...[sn: at the moment i have a heart and dedication for research on black female college student development, there is a lack of research in this area and i feel that this population can be better understood and served if research is pursued]...i'm pushin it yall.

laughing. i went through a period of depression recently and though i had many reasons to be depressed, i now also understand i have many reasons to feel blessed. i'm trying to be lighter-hearted (made that phrase up real quick) and enjoy the things that are in beside me, forget the things behind me, and embrace the things in front of me!

well, i hope i caught you up a little. i plan on keeping in touch much more often.

peace love

there is a reason for every season...

***you have to listen to the song while reading this post...makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside***

so. i loooove christmas! i love the thanksgiving to new year holiday time where people pretend (very well i mite add) to give a fuck about other people. there's decorations and singing and lots of food...um, score, much? yes. but what i really love is that this is the only time of the year, usually, that i get to see all of my family and friends.

i don't really care about presents. i can get/buy things all year 'round. tho the little things definitely make me smile. a hand knitted hat and mittens set from a coworker, a tin bucket with my initial on it from my boss, a harry potter key chain from a friend...these things make me smile. but seeing family and friends that i don't see throughout the year is priceless.

the past 2 years, i spent the holidays without my little sister. i love her so much. but she was going through some things and stayed away from the family. it hurt. this year, she is back around and i'm in love with the idea that she, my mother, and i, will spend this holiday together. not to mention all my family coming to my gran's and my best friends being around for the holidays. love.

i wish these feelings lasted for more than a few months. i can do without all the holiday food, cuz all this exercise to stay in shape is killing me. but...the feeling. need that. but i'm realistic. i know that there's something about thanksgiving, christmas, new year's, singing, snow, and food that makes the heart warmer than it is in other months. i'll take it, enjoy it, love it.

peace + joy

you don't even know...

how geeked i am about seeing HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS in just a few hours...

like, i'm dumb excited.

this is hilarious.org!!!!!!!

#uncomfy

so. the #berries dubbed yesterday #TMT or "TOO MUCH TUESDAY" for a plethora of reasons. all crazy, confusing, and hilarious. i decided for my "too much" i would openly (on public forums) say whatever came to my mind (even moreso than i already do...lol). and a few things surprised me...

1) i openly (on twitter) wondered if one of my homie classmates (black dude) liked black girls. ---what? i was wrong for that???...hmph. whatever. if you guys knew all the details you would wonder too. anywho, he got super offended, low key went off on me. i was tickled, but i apologized to have offended him and told him it was just a random thought. he acknowledged my apology but NEVER answered the question.... #hmmmmm

2) i recently admitted to myself. maybe to some of my closest, closest friends that i have an appreciation and attraction for beautiful women. (well if i didn't before, i did just now *shrug*) no. i don't want to have sex with or be in a relationship with a woman. but whatev...is what it is...
i decided i would openly (on twitter) make comments about my attractions to certain females. i figured some guy would make some disgusting comment, or ppl would just pretend the comment was never made. but as the nite went on my timeline shocked me... everybody was super pansexual all of a sudden! i wasn't mad, i dug it. idk if my comment made the uncomfy a little more comfy, or if chicks just really dig amber rose and nick minaj. but my twit chicks were GOIN FOR IT! lol...i was proud. #allloveeverything

i think i'm gonna officially make a habit, on "too much tuesdays", of finding some new ways to make one person or group of peeps a little less comfy...

...don't think, just feel: "for colored girls"

...went to see "for colored girls" last night. honestly, for some reason i'm still slightly uneasy about it and don't know exactly what to think about it, or even if i should 'think' too much about it. but i know i feel a few ways, not just about the movie, but about reactions to it. i'll say what i can without spilling too much...

1. i was glad to see women "saving" women. especially in a tyler perry film. by saving i mean, assisting one another in realizing meaning and value of life and self.

2. phylicia rashaad is my she-ro #thatisall

3. i appreciate that tp "allowed" alot of really FUCKED UP issues to unfold on screen, in front of the audience. without this aspect, i doubt as many viewers would have taken the movie as seriously as possible.

4. it reminded me of "women of brewster place"...if you haven't seen it go. now. right now.

5. people are cracking me up. last night, someone on twitter said the movie "is DEF not for the simple minded"...*blank stare* WHAT?
a) you do NOT have to be a genius to understand what happens in the movie. all of the story lines are simple. "this happens, this is how she reacts, this is how those around her react". scene. this is not a negative thing either. it needed to be simple for people to have more room to feel, instead of busting brain cells trying to figure shit out.
b) instead of saying it's not for the "simple minded" i'll say its not for the faint of heart. its heavy.
c) most people are going to miss the points of the movie trying to be "deep" about it. just watch it. and FEEL...

6. men, come the fuck on. don't be afraid to see the film, or come out of the film under the assumption that "colored girls" has ANYTHING to do with "man hating or bashing". it is not always about y'all (crazy concept, right?). the presence of many women helping and loving themselves and one another does not imply the hatred of men. yes, some of the men in the film had less than desirable roles, but so did the women. and none of the men were single handedly blamed for the negative that occured aroung them (except one, which made perfect sense). a major part of the women's growth and development was taking responsibility for themselves and the consequences of their choices.

7. yo, please know that tp did not just get this awesome story (compilation of stories) out of thin air. it is a film adaptation of the 1975 play/choreopoem "for colored girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf" by Ntozake Shange. k? k. so when they start reciting poety in the film DO NOT be surprised or confused. *mumbles* silly asses...

8. it was ALOT, but NOT UNTHINKABLE. people, wake the fuck up. THIS STUFF HAPPENS ALL THE TIME...all the time, sadly. granted, we are not accustomed to seeing all of the stories, in their fucked-up-ness, in our faces, on a big screen, with poetry and soundtrack attached to boost emotion. but if you are a black female and don't know at least one person that resembles one of the movie's characters, or don't identify with one yourself, CONGRATULATIONS. you've achieved something...forreal.

****how did you FEEL about "for colored girls"???****

oh blog...how i have neglected thee.

lots to say, alas, no energy to say it. *sigh* i'll just hit you guys with a cool pic of me from my alma mater homecoming. go KSTATE! and, um, go ME...lol